when i am sad.
I lock myself in my room and sit on my bed. Mindlessly thinking of nothing, relying on the internet to let me forget. I’ll watch things that make no sense or watch pretty pictures.
My lovely cat Charlie curled up next to me, nice and warm.
I won’t move. I’ll get texts and just stare at the light up phone until it turns dark again. Robotically sitting still. And then continue to do nothing productive or important.
I’ll stay up doing so until 4 - 7 am until my eyelids are heavy and i get that little sharp pain on the right side of my brain. I lay unconscious in what i guess is called sleeping, mostly without lovely dreams. Just nothing. I’ll wake up from the 12th alarm set from my phone for work. I’ll dress in all black. and drive over 5 minutes before my shift. Saying “bye” to thin air while darting out the door. Rushing to work. And serving all sorts of people, hearing coworkers complain about customers, their lives, or each other.
Sometimes when i get home i feel guilty. Im tired. I have been gone all day, my feet hurt, my back hurts, i smell like queso and chicken tamales. I have been away from my animals and my mom. I feel guilty for not being a good daughter. She wants to spend time with me. I’ve been gone all day. I just want to be alone. I want to stay in my room and lay in my bed and think of nothing. Im gone all the time.
My room is a mess. Some days i just want to throw everything away. Start over. I don’t need these memories. But i can’t find a stupid trash bag. “JUST GO OUT AND BUY ONE JORDAN” you make money now. I can’t, when would i waste my days sleeping then? If i do that i’ll have time to think. And why would i do that?
So i can start realizing how unhealthy i am. unmotivated? how i am not seeing people. how i dont respond to people. how i make up excuses for why i need to sleep. I don’t even want to write this right now. i’d much rather blankly stare at my wall.
Sometimes, i just want to clean myself. Just sit in the shower and let the water just make warm streams down my body and breathe in the thick warm air.
I wish i could do something. change my current days.
I should. but who knows. this is uncomfortably comfortable.
living like this.
being unemotional in my room.
talking myself out of things.
sleeping the minutes away until work.
not listening to conversations about god, finances, health, my dad from my mother.
does that make me a terrible person.
I know i am not. Otherwise i wouldn’t be like this.
I am so involved with everyones emotions it hurts me. I feel so much. Too much. It hurts me. Every word you say i feel. from everyone. im exhausted. So i sleep to much and work to keep me busy, so i only think about it when i absolutely have to.
A lot of people will never read this.
But the universe, god, anything powerful out there will.
I’m sorry if I disappoint. I never mean too. Know i would spend a million minutes and a billion days with you. But i am too exhausted. I feel all your worry, pain, words. Every single one of yours. Friends, family, strangers. I feel them more than just that moment. I feel them for days.
I don’t know if they are my feelings or yours anymore.
Im sorry im not here. That i don’t feel like talking. That i don’t respond for days.
I miss you. SO much.
but im exhausted.
I just feel too much. And i am tired.
I don’t know what else to say.